october. you've been hard.

october. you've been hard.

I wish I could say that this month was filled with joy and laughter. And honestly it was. I thank God for the laughter and those warm moments that filled my soul. But honestly, true honesty... October has been hard.

Sharing what's bringing those stretches to my soul and how they have truly taught me the story of our Lord! This month it's...

Friendship. For months now I have felt a major "forcefulness" out of my desire to work at friendship. I love those girls that are around me; however, each and every time my desire to get out of the house has been a real pain -- which has lead to aggregation and frustration. I reflect on those friendships that I had lost connection with, and long for more girlfriends to sit over coffee and discuss the Bible, living in holiness and patience... but in all of that, I have had two girlfriends really step up, work harder at our friendship than me, and for that I am so ever thankful. I have always had a lot of friends, but not many deep friends -- and longed for those deep friends. I can feel them forming every day and I am truly blessed.

After attempting two 5ks in one weekend, my mind has been beating up my heart and body for my capabilities. I am sadden by the short days and the cooler temperatures. With the lack of fitness in my life, my sleep is worse, my appetite is severely skewed, and my motivation weakens. But today, I woke realizing that I must snap out of it. I have another 5k in less than three weeks! I have progressively started eating healthier again over this past week (meaning no more snacks at work). And back to the gym, I go!

Study. I woke up in the middle of vacation several months ago and made a decision to actually study the bible. I read about it through blogs and books. I even got excited and joined an online Bible study with the book, The Best Yes; however, regardless how little the reading was, I fell behind this month. I struggled with the thought of not be able to keep up. With my motivation lacking in many other areas of my life, I was almost at tears this past weekend with my "failure" and then I remembered the solitude I get from a good reading session. It's hard for me to think while I'm reading, so I often just pray simple prayers and take in the knowledge that is being revealed to me. I quickly jumped into my email and sorted through all of the bible study emails and bookmarked them. Made a new goal for me. And above all, did not label myself a "failure" for falling behind.

We are in the process of buying a house. Looking for a house. Offering on a house. The process has been long and my anxiety level has been at an all time high, along with my husband's. The house's air feels so thick when we get home from another day of not hearing anything. Last night we called my dad to discuss inspections and remodels and other important things. He said something that stuck with me and my whole world has been lighter since then. He reminded us that if we did not get what we were currently looking at that it was not in God's plan! Duh! Countless moments of praying before we met with the realtor, before we went into a home, before we placed an offer... and somehow I had still not given this decision to the Lord and left with with the bankers and sellers and attorneys. How silly of me and thankful I am of the whispers from God to my soul.

Motivation. I know I have already said this, but my motivation has been down this month. To do photography. To run my Etsy shop. To spend time with friends. To go to work. To engage with my husband. To attend church. That is an unsettling place to be. It was like I knew that I needed to get off my butt and do something; but NBC's newest fall television shows were premiering and I felt like I had discovered ice cream for the first time. Edy's S'Mores? How fabulous.

But it did not make me feel fabulous. Laundry piled, end tables became dusty, and that red iron ring from our city water crept up the white porcelain of our bathroom fixtures. Early this week, after a moment at work, I crumbled up my "to-do" list that had no progression since September and made a new one only with the things on it that I could remember -- assuming the rest was just "busy work" to give me something to check off. I arranged my calendar, made some dinner dates and pre-holiday plans before the rush begins in a few weeks. Oh boy, do I feel better!

Since then, I have read with delight, cooked dinner with my heart and not just with submission to my stomach, studied my Bible instead of just staring at the pages, and truly look forward to my investments with my friends.

What about you? What things are hard right now? Because not every time is great, but it is what we learn and how we grow that matters.