It is completely true. A simple little note can lighten somebody's load and lift a heart. I think Shauna Niequist says it best in her book Bittersweet when she writes, "But there's something worse than the things people say. It's much worse, I think, when people say nothing." She talks about the idea of saying nothing when you are thinking of someone, when you want to feel pain for them, knowing that their life has stopped -- but your life is still going. The times when there are no words to say, to speak, because you do not know what to say. And so, you say nothing.
I am so guilty of this. In times of celebration and in times of hurt. The times that I meant to send presents because of the joy of a birth or wedding or graduation or big move. The times that I meant to cook dinner or offer a coffee date just to listen during a time of despair... a death, a house fire, a job loss. And I let the time pass, and feel like the opportunity to be a good friend passed. There are many days that I think more about what I did not do for somebody close.
Shauna, however, talks about how important it is to not beat yourself up over these moments. Additionally, that if you are probably thinking about it, then they are probably still celebrating or hurting -- just by themselves.
I think about this point just as often. I am probably not going to send Christmas cards two years late or the wedding present that I missed six years ago. But I do believe that I give myself a shorter time limit than necessary. It is easy to forget that somebody else's world has stopped during a time of pain when your life is still going at top speed; however, three weeks later, after all of the food and flowers that come with a death (for example), they may still need an ear to listen and somebody to drink coffee with. Three weeks after a friend's death would be passed my "time table", but that is my time table, not theirs. They may still need somebody.
The same for a celebration. I may forget to send that gift to the celebration that I did not make it to; however, two months later -- after all of the newness has worn, a fresh box of diapers or a laundry basket full of cleaning supplies and easy-to-make dinners may be a breath of fresh air to that new mother or wife. Their timeline, not mine.
I hope I remember that this week, and more and more going forward when it comes to my husband, family, and friends. How do you typically deal with these moments?
"say something" is just one of the few chapters in Shauna Niequist's book "Bittersweet" that hit home with me. I would highly suggest it.
photo credit :: Proverbs 31 Ministries
