Half way through the month, and I still do not see a habit forming. I felt discouraged the other day by it. That maybe I took on too much in the midst of so much change.
I typically deal well with organized change. Change that is made by somebody else’s decision. Change that is brought on by an organization or a business. Change that I cannot control, I handle quite well. I step back; I can clearly see the good of the change; I help be an supporter or a leader of the change even. I know from the moment that the change is announced that the change is out of my control and allow God to take control. This came from being with many organizations over the years that thrived on change. Four large-scale organizational changes in seven years with my previous employer broke me in, allowed me to accept, learn, and change quickly. Sink or swim. Accept the change or start struggling at my job.
Change that I can control though...I am a basket case. Change that I brought onto myself...I consistently wonder if I made the right choice. Was there something else that I could have done better or different in the change to make it easier?
I have mentioned a bit on my social medias that we moved Christmas week.
It seemed like a fantastic idea at first. We had all of this planned time off to pack and move and unpack. But as the move inched closer, there were little things that broke me. We couldn’t put up the Christmas tree. Our house was in boxes the weekend before the festivities. As presents were wrapped, they were organized in labeled brown, ugly boxes. As presents were unwrapped, they were also organized in mislabeled brown, ugly boxes to be opened at a to-be-determined date. Two days after Christmas we packed all of our belongings into a storage unit for hours. Those holidays we were off work was not spent with family and friends, but cleaning the floors and refrigerator and toilet. The holidays came and went and there was little rest, little reflection of the Gospel...just rush.
Once the year started, it hit me like a ton of bricks and once again God reminded me of His grace and forgiveness and love. But with two weeks of “investing” my January to Him, there are still things that remain unfamiliar waters, unfamiliar territory that remind me again and again that this is not a change that I can control. It makes me break because I am weak. But He allows me to return to Him daily, broken, to renew.
Why is it that the unfamiliar waters sometimes points out our feelings of uncomfort? The grocery store. The ability to walk into the “my” grocery store and go straight to the milk without being disoriented. Knowing that I need to get the coffee before I pick up the sugar because that is how the store is laid out. The little things of comfort.
A home church. Exploring new churches, connecting in new ways, unveiling new friendships and community that God had in store for us…I was so excited. But when it was time to go to a new church, to find a new home, I was timid and afraid. I have overthought every service I have stepped in. I have looked to God for a big, flashing sign outside one of the hundreds of churches in town, telling us which one to go to. The unfamiliar waters.
My commute. Knowing which way is the best to go in the morning. Expecting the sudden stops in the midst of the city’s twists and turns. Anticipating a current arrival time based off of where you are on the highway at what time. The unfamiliar waters.
A coffee shop. Where to go with that pick atmosphere, with the sounds of brewing in the background, without the noisy teenagers in the corner goofing off, where I can work and get things done. Where I can walk in and there is always an available seat or couch. Where I can work through things with my photography. My blog. My faith. The unfamiliar waters.
A grocery store. A home church. My commute. A coffee shop. Three meaningless things, one more meaningful…but these are the the things that make our change seem real and rough. Something that I wish I could take a hold of and control to make things go better. To progress forward into comfort. To get that feeling of home again.
I think that my month of “investing” was placed at the perfect time though. It really has forced me into thinking more about how I can invest directly into the things that make me feel comfortable again. Once I find a grocery store that I like, maybe I could get to know one or two of the checkers, invest in them. Once I find a home church, dive deep and head first, without waiting to people to talk to us or invite us in. Redeeming my commute with more time invested into learning about the Lord. Investing into a local, small coffee shop to help their business and invest into the community even more. Change has helped me “invest”.
How is your month going? I would love to hear about it.
photo credit :: JimmyMarble
photo credit :: proverbs 31
